WTF Review: Birdbox — Tales of Layls

Birdbox, starring Sandra Bullock, which I keep wanting to refer to as Birdman, who is the co-founder of Cash Money Records and in no way affiliated with Sandra Bullock, is a movie. An undoubtedly shit one. I am not a filmmaker, nor do I have the trillion dollar backing of Netflix, but I’m just going to go out there and make the outlandish claim that I could have made a more interesting and engaging film on a pink bedazzled T-Mobile Sidekick.

Birdman - Record exec, def not in a box or boat

I really wish I had worn a blindfold the entire time to have spared myself the car crash (boat crash!?) that was … whatever tragic excuse for a movie that 2 hour ordeal was. Also it was a huge waste of poor Sarah Paulson’s time, she deserved better, although I did enjoy playing “Is that or isn’t that Machine Gun Kelly?” There were a Shyamalan number of plot holes, and nothing was ever explained. Why was Sandra driving to her damn obgyn appointment in the middle of a suicidal wave, and WHY would you name your son after your lover Tom. How did the doctor survive? I really want to know, why the birds, what was the symbolism? Where is the sanctuary? Is the doctor deaf? What the fuck else is going on? Did her kids not think it odd that they were named Boy and Girl? How did Sandra stay so quiet while being attacked on the boat? Is she really this hard up for money that she had to accept this? Did they stop syndicating Miss Congeniality? Because I’m pretty sure I saw it on TV at least three times in the last month, and I also found myself seated at Ocean’s 8, so she cannot be scraping the barrel.

Look, I understand Netflix’s philosophy is to just make any half-garbled word scrawled on Starbucks coffee cup that gets thrown at one of their exec’s heads into a movie or TV series, but I think at this point something is off. People have turned this mockery into a damn blindfold challenge. STOP THE MADNESS. For gods sake, maybe the whole thing should have starred Birdman in the first place.